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 VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day

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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:55 am

Victory or Death


Introduction:

Leonidas loaded another clip into his bolt pistol just in time to empty it into the charging ork warbosses face. The warboss reeled back as the blast exploded into the left of his jaw blowing most of it away. The warboss was soon back on his feet and charging again, chain weapon roaring in his hand and slugga pistol blazing in the other. Leonidas side stepped the firing rounds and hefted his power hammer in both hands over his head and smashed it into the warbosses shoulder smashing the joints. The warboss was raging with anger and brought up the chain weapon to use but it to was smacked away by the power hammer. Leonidas stepped towards the ork and ended his life with a burst from his bolt pistol. He had done it. Six years fighting this warboss and this war for this system was finally over. The only thing left to do here was to hunt down the last remnants of orks. Leonidas walked out of the bunker ,were the bloody brawl just taken place, when two of his Space “Spartans” walked up to give him the days report. After he heard the report, Leonidas strolled over to his personal command crusader which took him back to the hive city where he was to anounce that victory has emerged on the hive planet Delfoyer.
"Sir?" , said Brother Jonias as he stepped into the Crusader.
"Yes..."
"Warmaster Claydon is waiting for you at the city."
'Warmaster Claydon? Why was he here?'
"He wants you to join him in his next Crusade sir."
Leonidas pondered a few moments about the last time he served under Warmaster Claydon. The Warmaster had lied to him and it had cost him almost and entire company. Leonidas wanted to kill him for the lives of Astartes he killed and secretly swore vengeance against him.
"I will get you this time you son of a.....", thought Leonidas out loud.
"Sir?"
"Nothing just drive to the city, after all we have a Crusade to start."



OK so tell me what you guys think! This just barely scratches the surfaces to all the stuff I have wrote! Very Happy
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Ollie
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:03 pm

coooool...................... I love you
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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:58 pm

thanks!
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BloodDefiler
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:41 pm

Good stuff man. Keep it coming.

Now..a brief comment...try to go a little more with details. The five senses are wonderful things...and a bear to put into words. I'm by far not a David Eddings or William King...so take my comment as you will.

But, overall, I like it so far.


Blood

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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:07 pm

yeah thanks blood! a few other people said that as well a while back when i showed it to em. will try that on the next one.
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BloodDefiler
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:18 pm

Something I do...it's strange, so deal...I close my eyes and imagine being next to the characters I write about. Watching them, feeling their energy, smelling the air, feeling the oppressive heat threaten to burn my raw skin, or the chill air going into my lungs, filling them like a balloon. Things like that. It takes a LONG time to get the descriptions right...at least, to get them where you want them. I've been writing off and on for about 20 years or so, and I still struggle. The most I can say is..keep it up, take criticism for what it is, and brush off the crap.

Who knows..one day one of us here could be getting into talks with the Black Library guys. Anything's possible.


Blood

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Gabe
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:58 pm

nice
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shiznaft
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 8:53 pm

sonofwaranddeath wrote:

Leonidas loaded another clip into his bolt pistol just in time to empty it into the charging ork warbosses face. The warboss reeled back as the blast exploded into the left of his jaw blowing most of it away. The warboss was soon back on his feet and charging again, chain weapon roaring in his hand and slugga pistol blazing in the other. Leonidas side stepped the firing rounds and hefted his power hammer in both hands over his head and smashed it into the warbosses shoulder smashing the joints. The warboss was raging with anger and brought up the chain weapon to use but it to was smacked away by the power hammer. Leonidas stepped towards the ork and ended his life with a burst from his bolt pistol.


Great Work, I get what Blood is saying... for example:

Leonidas ignored the blazing fatigue in his arms as he slammed another clip into his well worn bolt pistol, the gutteral roar of the war boss was his only warning. With speed that few save an astartes, blessed of the emperor could muster, he emptied the clip into the xenos face. The foul beast was not only tough but quick as well, blessed by some unamed evil it reeled clear of the full furry of his rightous weapon. Still chunks of filthy green flesh exploded in a thick red spray. Apparently immune to pain the monster lunged at leonidas. A smile creased his weathered face. The battle was done. He hefted the familiar weight of his hammer. It cracked and vibrated with the wrath of the emperors devine might, pouring his considerable power into an overhanded stroke, his hands came together on the haft to complete the blow. A thunderous crack anounced the destruction of the Orks shoulder. The beast howled in impotent rage, foul spittle spraying leonidas in the face. The veteran parried the pathetic creatures clumsy chainsword as a man might a child's. Sparks lit the creatures ruined face in a pale yellow glow. 'Suffer not the Xeno to live' he thought as he pressed the muzzle to warbosses face. A shower of crimson demonstrated the truth of his faith.


no offense intended, I love the flow of the battle and only wanted to add a little flavor. I hope that you don't mind. I went a little over the top to illustrate the point. again no harm intended. In my opinion you have a future in writing.
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commissar roach
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Thu Jun 05, 2008 11:59 pm

nice it's a good read
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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:39 am

shiznaft1 wrote:
sonofwaranddeath wrote:

Leonidas loaded another clip into his bolt pistol just in time to empty it into the charging ork warbosses face. The warboss reeled back as the blast exploded into the left of his jaw blowing most of it away. The warboss was soon back on his feet and charging again, chain weapon roaring in his hand and slugga pistol blazing in the other. Leonidas side stepped the firing rounds and hefted his power hammer in both hands over his head and smashed it into the warbosses shoulder smashing the joints. The warboss was raging with anger and brought up the chain weapon to use but it to was smacked away by the power hammer. Leonidas stepped towards the ork and ended his life with a burst from his bolt pistol.


Great Work, I get what Blood is saying... for example:

Leonidas ignored the blazing fatigue in his arms as he slammed another clip into his well worn bolt pistol, the gutteral roar of the war boss was his only warning. With speed that few save an astartes, blessed of the emperor could muster, he emptied the clip into the xenos face. The foul beast was not only tough but quick as well, blessed by some unamed evil it reeled clear of the full furry of his rightous weapon. Still chunks of filthy green flesh exploded in a thick red spray. Apparently immune to pain the monster lunged at leonidas. A smile creased his weathered face. The battle was done. He hefted the familiar weight of his hammer. It cracked and vibrated with the wrath of the emperors devine might, pouring his considerable power into an overhanded stroke, his hands came together on the haft to complete the blow. A thunderous crack anounced the destruction of the Orks shoulder. The beast howled in impotent rage, foul spittle spraying leonidas in the face. The veteran parried the pathetic creatures clumsy chainsword as a man might a child's. Sparks lit the creatures ruined face in a pale yellow glow. 'Suffer not the Xeno to live' he thought as he pressed the muzzle to warbosses face. A shower of crimson demonstrated the truth of his faith.


no offense intended, I love the flow of the battle and only wanted to add a little flavor. I hope that you don't mind. I went a little over the top to illustrate the point. again no harm intended. In my opinion you have a future in writing.








DUDE! thanks man!!!! yah thats great no I dont mind when people critique my work! thanks! I would love to be a writer one day!! my english teacher told me that one day! she said I just have to key in a few more things and it would be good!!!! thanks guys will be posting more soon!! Smile
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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:42 am

BloodDefiler wrote:
Something I do...it's strange, so deal...I close my eyes and imagine being next to the characters I write about. Watching them, feeling their energy, smelling the air, feeling the oppressive heat threaten to burn my raw skin, or the chill air going into my lungs, filling them like a balloon. Things like that. It takes a LONG time to get the descriptions right...at least, to get them where you want them. I've been writing off and on for about 20 years or so, and I still struggle. The most I can say is..keep it up, take criticism for what it is, and brush off the crap.

Who knows..one day one of us here could be getting into talks with the Black Library guys. Anything's possible.


Blood



Yeah the advice is much appreciated dude! Smile
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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Fri Jun 06, 2008 6:26 am

2 days later in orbit above Rylon 4.....The Crusade begins

"Ah Leonidas I'm glad you could join us." said the Warmaster as Leonidas entered the war council.
The room was fairly big enough to hold 100 Astartes and gear and had simply a star map in the center with chairs around it. The Warmaster sat at the largest chair towards the rear guarded by two of his Legionaires. The Legionaires were a breed of men easily the width af an Astartes but were average height. They wore silver carapace with deep blue fatigues and were armed with hellguns. Their faces were abscured behind visors with crimson eyslits.

"Please take a seat Leonidas," said the warmaster gesturing his hand to a seat next to him.
"I'd rather stand."
"As you please, gentlemen lets begin."
Four other men stood around the table whom Leonidas only knew one. There was no mistaking Commisar Ahoskie with his thick gut and thin mustache. The man may have looked out of shape but on the field of battle he could be as swift and nimble as an assassin.
Leonidas nodded towards his friend who returned the courtesy.
The other three he had never seen in his life.
The Warmaster soon anounced them as Col. Strudent of the 50th and 60th Knight Hawks Drop Troops. He was a tall young man with short brown hair and a scar that ran from his right eye to his nose.
"I earned that fighting the Tyranid hordes and Dunstfan two year ago," said the colonel proud of his scar.
'If you only knew the scars I've recieved,' thought Leonidas.
The next office was Marshal Erich Volhelm of the 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th Death Korps of Krieg Infantry and the 3rd and 4th Panzer (tanks) Divisions. He was also a young tall man who had hair as white as his skin but no other distinctive marking.
The last was Col. Strolem, an old looking man with jet black hair and a bionic left arm who commanded the 21st and the 22nd Cadian Guard and the 78th Cadian Artillery Corps. He simply looked the type to be back behind the action but still playing a key role.
"Alright gentlemen," began the Warmaster, "We make history today be embarking on a Crusade that will change this system forever. The first thing at our attention is Rylon 4. It has been ransacked by orks and only one hive city remains. The reason Rylon 4 is so important is that the Mechanicum has informed us that if we are to save this city then we will have the full support of its Titans that are not finished in this city.
'Titans....,' thought Leonidas, 'wonderful machines.'
"If we can have the support of Titans," continued the Warmaster,"Then this crusade will flurish. Col. Strudent, once we arrive I want your troops on the ground first to reinforce the defense at the city. Once you disembark Leonidas will follow you in be drop pod to begin gaining a foothold outside the city. Once Leonidas has a secure perimeter outside the city, Marshal Volhelm and Col. Strolem will settup unbreakuble defences. Then we hold out till the Titans are finshed. After that, we sweap the orks clean of the planet. Alright men you know your duties, you have two days to prepare your men, and may the Emporer be with you."


2 days later above Rylon 4 onboard the Hercules

Leonidas jumped into the cold steel tomb of his drop pod with his men and the ejection sequences began. As the drop pods fell through space towards the planet, Leonidas addressed his men with words of encouragement.
“Today we go to Rylon 4 to kill the mutant and bring the mercies of the Emporer back to the people of this planet. Remember, were ever we go...”
“THIS IS SPARTA!” , hundreds of voices simultaneously chanted back and it sent chills of comfort down his spine at the sound of his Spartans.
To be amongst brothers in a time of war was the best feeling an Astartes could have.



OK guys I promise the next one will be loaded with action OK!!!! just didn't want you guys to be confused!
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BloodDefiler
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:09 am

Quote:
"Alright gentlemen," began the Warmaster, "We make history today be embarking on a Crusade that will change this system forever. The first thing at our attention is Rylon 4. It has been ransacked by orks and only one hive city remains. The reason Rylon 4 is so important is that the Mechanicum has informed us that if we are to save this city then we will have the full support of its Titans that are not finished in this city.
'Titans....,' thought Leonidas, 'wonderful machines.'


For this I would ask to elaborate. Maybe go into why the planet has Titans...are there factories for the Adeptus Titanicus present on this planet? Is this maybe the home world of a high ranking Titanicus member? This can be some good plot twists, as the Adeptus Titanicus have loyalty to none save the emperor. They come and go as they please, forming temporary alliances...which are hard won to say the least.

That's all I've got for you on this. Again, I like it, and want to see where it's going.

Keep it comin'.

Blood

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sonofwaranddeath
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Fri Jun 06, 2008 7:27 am

BloodDefiler wrote:
Quote:
"Alright gentlemen," began the Warmaster, "We make history today be embarking on a Crusade that will change this system forever. The first thing at our attention is Rylon 4. It has been ransacked by orks and only one hive city remains. The reason Rylon 4 is so important is that the Mechanicum has informed us that if we are to save this city then we will have the full support of its Titans that are not finished in this city.
'Titans....,' thought Leonidas, 'wonderful machines.'


For this I would ask to elaborate. Maybe go into why the planet has Titans...are there factories for the Adeptus Titanicus present on this planet? Is this maybe the home world of a high ranking Titanicus member? This can be some good plot twists, as the Adeptus Titanicus have loyalty to none save the emperor. They come and go as they please, forming temporary alliances...which are hard won to say the least.

That's all I've got for you on this. Again, I like it, and want to see where it's going.

Keep it comin'.

Blood




Oh there will be a plot twist coming! thanks for the comment and ideas!
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PostSubject: Re: VICTORY OR DEATH ------------------> maybe a book some day   Mon Jun 09, 2008 6:32 pm

sweet
the warboss shouldve won thou Very Happy
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