Impact:

The drop pods fell through orbit like droplets of fire. On the view screen in Leonidas’s pod it reminded him of the meteor showers on Sparta. The thought warmed him and he couldn’t wait to return to Sparta one day. But now he was doing what he was created to do, wage war. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but he knew getting the backing of the Mechanicum wasn’t why they were here. Besides if the Warmaster wanted the Mechanicum’ s support he could just snap his fingers. There was something far greater going on here but Leonidas still was in the haze about things.

“30 seconds till impact.” announced the onboard systems.
Leonidas cocked the bolt mechanism on his bolter and squad Pericles did the same, for when the Chapter Master prepared for war, they prepared for war. Squad Pericles was Leonidas first squad to command back in the days when Hercules was the Chapter Master and Leonidas was a simple file officer. Now squad Pericles was Leonidas personal honor guard. Although only six of the original ten remained. It was still the same old Pericles though. Brother’s Taklinin and Ronenian had died shortly after the chapter had been established. Brother’s Callias and Seleucus were now two of the chapters four dreadnoughts. Ancient Callias was also dropping in on this mission and was also an addition to Leonidas’s honor guard, although he came and left as he pleased. Leonidas had always had the utmost respect for the Ancients. To serve in death was something still very incredible to Leonidas.
“BAM!”
The drop pod slammed into the ground without warning and Leonidas regained his thoughts of what was going on.
“Deploy!” he shouted and Sergeant Thracius of squad Pericles punched the release on the door and with a loud hiss they fell open and the squad setup a defense perimeter.
“Sir”,said Brother Jonias, “Reports are coming in, the orks are starting their daily raid as we speak.”
“Contact Col. Strudent to get some Vultures in the air above our heads for cover until our Thunderhawks deploy.” ,commanded Leonidas.
“Sir, the Col. Already has his Vultures in the air and ready to support us.” ,said Brother Jonias a few seconds later.
“Send him my thanks,” said Leonidas, “now get six squads up and around the west of the city and get three Devastator Squads up on those hills off to the side for fire support. We will take the rest of the Company right behind and work our way up as soon as I see a good look at our surroundings.”
“Yes Sir.”
“I go where you command me.” ,said the unmistakable voice of Ancient Callias as he strode up behind them.
Leonidas turned round about to see his friend in his dreadnought coffin of death. It hurt him to know that he would never see the face of one of his dearest friends again but still to fight along side him made Leonidas feel more comfortable.
“Come Ancient Callias, we have much purging to do.” ,said Leonidas in a ready for battle sort of laugh.
Ancient Callias returned a somewhat static sound which Leonidas knew was laughing and the two ,with squad Pericles, set off to find a good vantage point.
Rylon 4 was once a planet of great forests with patches of Hive Cities all around the planet. Now it was fields of dead petrified wood with burnt cities and ash storms. The only thing left was Raydon. Leonidas could see for miles the ork trenches and siege weapons for as far as he could see. Big clumsy machines that were the ork equivalent of a Titan could be seen in the distance getting their last repairs done before storming the walls of the city. It was a seen he had experienced many times before and it still was never comforting.

Sapphon ducked behind the counter ,of what was once a market place outside the city, as more of the heavy rounds smacked into it. The ork raged with what he couldn’t tell to be laughter or anger or both. All he knew is it wanted to kill him. He swung around the side as the ork was changing ammo belts to his massive weapon and unloaded a hail of bolt rounds into the ork. The ork reeled back dropping his weapon as explosive bolt rounds punched through his leather skin and burst with crimson explosions sending blood and meat chunks everywhere. The orks inside were gone in a second and he was on the floor cold dead. Sapphon took a deep breath and could smell the orks blood on his armour. The blood had a distinct smell that would make most men loose their appetites pretty quickly. As he loaded another clip into his bolter a rocket flew into the window detonating on the wall behind him sending him through the air and into the other wall with a laud thud. Sapphon’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he lost all consciousness.
Sapphon woke with an alarm and looked for his bolter frantically. Brother Apochecary Thesias ran over to him and restrained him until he gained his whereabouts.
“What happened?” ,he asked.
“Your were knocked out by some kind of an explosive which sent your brain into a short type of a coma. Luckily we found you before it kicked into full gear.” ,said Thesias as he laid Sapphon back down on the cot in the medical station outside of Raydon.
“What happened to my squad? The last I remember was being ordered to kill the ork in the building who was laying down a hail of fire.” ,asked Sapphon with some what of a hope in his eyes.
“They weren’t so lucky I’m afraid,” ,said the old apothecary sympathetically, “while you were dealing with the one ork, the ones with the explosives ambushed your squad before they shot at you.”
Sapphon faced creased angrily and he gripped the sides of the cots tills his knuckles were white and his eyes swelled. His heart started beating overtime as he tried to comprehend what just happened. Suddenly his heart slowed immediately and his mind slowed as he looked over to see the apochecary injecting something into his arm. Without further warning Sapphon was knocked out asleep.
“Better to sleep on it, than to think on it.” ,whispered the apochecary as he stood to see some more wounded being brought in.

OK the story continues!!!!

nice one i like it

thanx

It had been three days since the ork attack and the city still remained in Imperial Hands. Up in the voids of space three more Space Marine Chapters arrived and countless guard regiments that would begin campaigns on three more planets were the foul stench of chaos were raging heresy among Imperial Citadels and hives. Leonidas had pushed the orks out of the outer habs and had taken 3/4 of a mile into ork trenches before stopping to setup defensive positions for guard regiments to reinforce before moving on. He'd lost 36 men in the three day offensive, Although not a single squad was out of action except for one squad which only one marine remained. Leonidas saddened at the thought of that one marine knowing his squad died but he lived. He turned as a knock came to the door behind him. He was in a three story building in the outer habs hugging the city. Once a hotel or something it know served as a temporary command center for which Leonidas could view the entire front of this war.
"Come in." , he said in a loud, but not angry voice.
A marine came through the door, but he was no ordinary marine. He was First Chaplain Sedonius. He wore the black armour and skull helmets of most chaplains and had a crozius strapped to his belt. He moved like no marine Leonidas had ever known not making a single sound as he walked across the old wooden floor. He wore a simple power pack rather than his normal bulky jump pack.
"Not flying around today, Sedonius?" ,asked Leonidas with a grin.
"No not today. Bad weather for flying." ,he said although the weather outside was perfectly fine. It was a joke they had shared since their beginnings as marines when Sedonius was forced out of the sky by being struck by lightning. It was a honor to any Spartan to be struck by lightning, as it was a symbol of the Emporer reaching out and selecting certain marines for his purposeful will.
"You say you have an adjutant for me finally?" ,asked Sedonius with a sort of impatient tone as he removed his helmet to reveal his worn face and snow white hair.
"Yes. Sapphon, you may enter."
Sapphon came in through a secondary door to the right and bowed to the two men before him.
"What is your story Sapphon?" ,asked Sedonius before glancing at Leonidas hesitantly.
"I was the only survivor of my squad, chaplain. For the Emporer has still more need in me to let me live."
"That he does. Now Know this Sapphon, to become my adjutant and someday a Chaplain would mean walking straight into the gate of hell with no turning back. Do you understand this?" ,asked the chaplain with a sound of authority.
"Yes Chaplain, I understand completely."
"Then rise, not as the Sapphon you once were, but as the Sapphon you seek to forge with death itself."
Sapphon rose with a grim but satisfied look on his face.
After discussing some more with Sapphon about his future duties as the Chaplains adjutant, Sedonius asked him one last thing before they left, "How fond are you of jump packs?"


ok not as exciting as some before but just some appetizer for whats to come!

lol that is some amazing writing skill i wish i could write like that

is that part about the lighting true or did u make that up from the top of your head ,if so that is just awesome ... keep your work coming gets me thinking before i go to bed

"how fond are you of jump packs ?" lol love it

cant wait

Here we go - it is a little later than I would have liked, but it is here.

So far, I'm enjoying this story. There are many Space Marine stories out there, but I am liking this better than others I've read. From what I've read so far, you've got a good story going, but I'm going to offer some criticism, and (hopefully) better your story by doing it. First, the positives:

-You've got some decent character development going here. While you haven't really gone into huge depth on your characters, the reader can get a good feel of what character-type you're trying to portray. I'll talk a little bit about this later, however.

-There seems to be something brewing in the Chapter. A little bit of secrecy, a little bit of self-doubt in certain Marines? I don't know, but I'm dying to find out...

-You've got some great inspiration, somewhere. The bit with the lightning is excellent. Really adds some depth to the characters, and shows that the Commander and the Chaplain know each other well. Also, with the Imperial Guard Commanders and war-discussion, it seems as if there really is a greater, more complicated tactical plan. I'll discuss this later, but I'll tell you to not let it get away from you, though. The vaguely *cough* Sparta/300 referencing is good.

-I like the sense of humor. 100% serious Warhammer 40k writing, even in the Grim, Gothic far-future of the 41st Millennium, gets incredibly boring. Don't go overboard, but if an opportunity comes to give your readers a laugh, take it.

That being said, I've also got some issues. This is purely constructive criticism, and is meant to help you write a better story.

-My first issue is formating. I realize that the forums format what you write in such a way that fluff becomes clumped together and hard to read. It is the nature of the beast. A good way to improve on this issue vastly is using your 'Enter' key more often. Get more space between your paragraphs, and this whole thing will look neater, nicer, and more professional. Then the only difference between you and Black Library is that they get payed (lucky buggers...)

-Your story, as good as it is, is a little too quick for my tastes. I mean this in the sense of description and detail about places and scenarios. You've got good dialog, but not enough narrative. If you need help on thinking of what to write, try this out;

You've got an image in your head of what the situation looks like. Chances are, it is a very vivid image. In your mind, the place looks a certain way, or something talks with a certain tone, and it sets the mood or the scene for that given scenario. If you need something to write, go into detail about what your mind sees. Don't just use a single sentence, or a single word. Until you've adequately described the scenario in such a way that it is a dead-on description of what you think it should be, you don't have enough description. If you can't come up with what to say, then use the five senses. Sight, sound, taste, touch, and feel. Somebody, somewhere has said this on the forum I'm sure, and I can't agree more.

-As I'll say time and time again, have a plan. Know where you are going with the story, or you'll get bored or get some serious writers block and stop writing. This will suck for us, cause then we get left hanging mid-narrative. While you don't have to plot out every single detail, have a decent enough knowledge of where your story is going before you go writing random shit (pardon the French).

-Another solid piece of information is not to get too carried away. Again, this is one of the rules I live by for Fanfiction/ Paperback writing; Don't think you're going to write an entire novel on your first few times out. Write a short story, then a longer one, then a longer one, and (eventually) you'll be good enough to write out a huge epic tale of tragic and action. At the moment, keep things under control.

-My third, and final universal writer's rule is to give your characters some depth. Make sure that your story isn't just a bunch of people running around defying death with ease and never getting threatened. That is boring to read, and I, personally, won't read it.


Some of that stuff at the end there might seem kind of harsh, I realize. It does not mean I don't like what you've written. If I didn't like your story and wish it to continue, I wouldn't have put in the time and effort to help you out.

Even if people don't respond, keep up with your stories. You write them for you, and if other people don't notice, then screw them. When they do notice, and it turns out that they like it - well thats another story...

Don't leave me hangin',

-S.B.

OK guys been takin a break from the hobby for a while along with real life things but im back and hopefully this will make up for the absence!!! just a lil short one......

Leonidas saw it again as he did every night. The dark red and silver of the 2nd Space Spartan companies drop pods fall heplessly through the atmosphere of the Imperial world Itlen. The drop zone coordinates that Warmaster Claydon had given him were in the center of a hive city that the forces of the rebellion on Itlen last remained. The plan was to hit them in the center with the Spartans, while guard regiments came in from the sides of the city. All was fine, until the impact. The drop zone was actually a 5 mile minefield along one side of the central spine of the city. The drop pods impacted with fierce explosions, slinging shreds of metal and burning astartes corpses through the air only to detonate more mines. Only a few drop pods managed to fall outside of the minefield, but were most likely killed by the hundreds of thousands of rebels within the city.

Three Hundred marines killed within a ten minute assault. It was one of the worst losses in Imperial records and Leonidas swore vengeance against the Warmaster for it. For years after Leonidas had secretly investigated the Warmasters past and present dealings, but still did not have enough to take him down. He would have him killed this time. Even if it cost him his own life.


Sergeant Thracius just stared into the ork trenches through his magnoculars as he thought of what he needed to do today. So far this particular war was going in there favor but it seemed as if the orks didn't loose anything although he already knew there losses where in the thousand of orks lost.

He returned the magnoculars to there pouch on his hip and turned and stepped off the firing step in his trench to face his men and the thirty some guardsmen under his control.
"Alright today were to demolish some ammo dumps and anything else vital to the ork offensive in this sector. We are not to gain a foothold in their trenches but simply kill until we are low on ammunition and return to our trenches. Is that clear?" , he said hastily as he looked into all there faces.
'Sir yes Sir' they replied in unison.
Thracius returned his eyes back to the enemy lines. The sun would rise in about fifteen minutes. He only needed five to cross no mans land.
"Alright men on my mark....three, two, one MARK!"
The ten astartes and the thirty guardsmen quickly jumped the trench and began their quick but quiet crouched run across no mans land.
Thracius had arrangements for some armor support and air cover for today’s raid and hoped they would benefit greatly. He could smell the orks from about mid way across no mans land and knew most of them would still be sleeping. Their fires apparently untouched from the night before for he only saw small smoke rising from the trench about 5 meters in front of him.
4...3...2...1! He and his men jumped the lip into the trench and soon swept their weapons for targets. A few smaller orks were alarmed and began yelling firing small arms weapons at them. The rounds either bounced harmlessly off their armor or simply missed. But they weren't for killing, but alerting their bigger brethren to the intruders in their trench. Thracius kicked one of the little beings across the trench and began firing at two massive orks awaking. As he swept his fire from one
to another he thought of how his fellow brothers were doing in their sectors for in over ten more areas assaults like this were kindling. Four guardsmen where obliterated when a stick like grenade landed by them. The sound was deafening and Thracius soon found the culprit and emptied a short burst into his face before kicking another of the little creatures. Brother Kazer fired his plasma gun into a dugout and soon a small corner of the trench went up in mud and flames from the ammo in the dugout cooking off.
"Good Job Kazer." said Thracius as he blew the head off a charging ork.
Just then two hellhounds came rumbling across the left and right side of Thracius. They pummeled any unlucky things in their way with their spiked dozer blades and swept their deadly flamers in massive arcs like demons from a nightmare. Thracius had respect for the men who controlled these metal dragons for their job was one of chance. Three more guardsmen fell from heavy machine gun fire and Thracius was soon pinned behind a small barrier of mud and bodies.
“Take that gun out!” yelled Thracius over the short link com to the hellhounds.
“On it now.” Came the response from the right hellhound as it pivoted in the direction of the gun.
Two short burst of flames fell into the bunker and the screams of burning orks filled the air. Seconds later a large boom came from the bunker as its ammunition exploded sending chunks of rocrete everywhere. The orks were slowly being pushed back but not fast enough.
“Where is my air cover?” screamed the sergeant over the sounds of small explosions.
“Spartan Six this Bravo Three we are inbound an your location now with ordinance. Is the target hot with AA?” responded the pilot.
“So far no. We will keep are eyes open. You focus on hitting the target. Coordinates are: 22, 69, 81,….”
“Roger that. Beginning first run now.” Voxed the pilot as three Thunder Bolts loaded with ordinance burst over head.
They dropped three dumb bombs onto the large mound which Thracius assumed to be the main ammo supply for this main area. The bombs exploded in large orange plumes sending mud in every direction. The planes swung around for a second pass dropping three more bombs which literally burrowed themselves through the remaining mud into the bunker. The response was utterly awing as the entire mound burst with flaming shrapnel and mud. Ten unlucky guardsmen got to close and were completely vaporized by the explosion. One astartes, Jatern, was sent flying through the air, legless and hepless. His un-conscientious body hitting the ground with large wet thud. Two astartes ran back and grabbed him heading back to the lines as fast as they could. So far Thracius had only lost 16 guardsmen and possibly an astartes. By imperial tactics this was good considering all the ordinance they had destroyed, but Thracius was displeased. He hated loosing men, but it was war. And they had taken hundreds of orks to the grave with them. He quickly announced the slow withdraw back to their lines to let the artillery boys have their fun with the orks and thanked the pilots for their support.
After returning to the lines later that day Thracius sat to clean his armor. He listened to the distant artillery thunder and invited its warm pleasing sounds to flow within him. Boom after boom. It reminded him of the evening thunderstorms on Sparta and he soon found himself smiling as he dug the mud out of his armor.

DUDE AWESOME!!! glad to see your back!

I like it, can't wait for more.