Part 1

The smell of blood was rich in the air as lightning danced across the sky like children playing in fields. This was no lush green field where great beast would spend their days grazing in the bright sunlight. This was a war zone drenched in the fluids of freshly fallen foes and the sweat of war weathered veterans.

Some sort of living projectile collided with Solaria's wraithbone chest piece. She ignored it, something more important was at hand. She reached for the small rune orbiting around her. Most would have paid little attention to this specific rune, but something was different something wasn't right. In the distance she could hear the cries of fellow Eldar as they crashed against waves of the hive forces. Images filled her mind of great war creatures crushing friends under its great hooves, and cleaving comrades in half with its gigantic talons.

"This is not how we end, it is not our time." thought Solaria to herself.
"Heipus! Direct your Avengers to the North West and dig in!" she relayed to her Autarch.

He was not only her finest commander but also a dear friend. As children of the craftworld they had fantasized about what Aspect they would follow. Now they lead a whole army.

"But, we are advancing my lady! The enemy breaks like the waves upon stone!" he voxed back; yelling over the sound of catapult fire.

She could hear the sound of his jetbike boosting and braking to keep him upright as he darted across the battlefield.

"Just do it!" Solaria voxed back this time more sternly.

"Aye!" and with that Heipus ordered his squads towards a rocky outcrop giving them cover from an unknown enemy.

The air was thick. But, it did not care, all it sought was the blood of its enemies.

Part 2

The air is thick with dust and debris. Shadows dance in the darkness, a dance of death. One by one they move from shadow to shadow, blending and melting with their surroundings. They hardly make a sound as they move from spot to spot. Occasionaly a rock will be loosened but by the time it is noticed the shadows have moved on.

Nilu leads his squad forward around the outskirts of the battle. Searching for targets of opportunity. He raises his rifle, gazing down its scope hoping to find a poor soul. The green image blurs slightly as he looks towards a new location. In the distance he sees a band of Dire Avengers entrenched. To the North of them a small stone village that shows the scars of battle. Whole sides of buildings blasted away. Tattered cloth hangs in windows, blowing in the hot winds of war. One building stuck out among all the rest. A mansion maybe or a place of worship for the lost inhabitants that used to live here.

"Pathfinders, we move to the village." Nilu whispered to his squad.

They all nodded back silently.

Five shadows slip into the night. Dancing from shadow to shadow; blending in with their environment. Not even the Dire Avengers notice them just a few yards off as they slip by in the night.

They make their way to the tower. Each one taking a window. Nilu sends one up the tower as an observer.

"Sir! Priority target spotted!" voxed the pathfinder.

"Report." Nilu responded.

"Its a beast sir, none like I've ever seen, but I've heard rumors something like it." the soldier reported back.

"Take it down."

The sound of a single Long Rifle echoed through the building with a whisper.

"INCOMING!" yelled the trooper so loud it could be heard over the vox.

With a thunderous explosion the northern wall exploded. A monsterus creature charging in like a raging bull. Lashing out with its talons. Slicing off one rangers arm as he fell backward. Another raised his gun to fire but wasn't fast enough as another talon impaled him to the wall. Nilu darted to the door. Seeing the movement the monstrous creature roared and charged after him. He darts from rubble to rubble. Over his vox he hears the last of his unit scream as the crippled building falls on top of them. Bounding upwards to roof tops. At full sprint he stays ahead of the creature. It breaks through building after building barely slowing down.

Gasping for breath Nilu activates the distress beacon on his vox. He can hear stone after stone break behind him as the creature tears apart the village one building at a time. He runs faster.

Dude thats ridiculously well writen i felt like i was there. one question would they use a vox? that seems more like the imperium then eldar. Also the Farseer would talk with her mind to the autarch and vice versa. But thats just what i think. kudos though to your writing.

I wanna read this. Read this, REAL BAD ( in audo, of course ).

Holy Cracker-Jack.

That is some of the best fluff I've read in a good long time. I can only imagine what Neuicon will do with it.

It doesn't sound like you need much/any tips, but I'll give some advice from one writer to another:

-Have a plan. I don't want to see this story fall through the floor because you run out of ideas or things to write about. Have a plan, have a story arch, and don't make crap up as you go along. If you do that, you'll get bored eventually, and we won't get to read anymore of this amazing story.

-Don't go overboard. In all liklihood, this will not be some great, 400+ page Dan Abnett style novel of epic proportions. As time goes on, perhaps you'll write something like that, using the same characters and developing the plot further. At the moment, though, you should aim for completion of a story that is completable. Again, I don't want to see this story die because you lose hope! I like it far too much.

-Don't be ridiculous. I realize that you love your Eldar, and that you'll write scenarios that require them to pull off amazing tasks of greatness. While that is excellent for a climax or intense battle-scene, you have to use it sparingly. For lack of a better term, make your characters human. If your story is just a bunch of people running around and kicking ass, it'll get boring. Throw in some danger and make it a chance that a main character could actually die. Every now and again, actually kill the character off (after plenty of Drama, of course). You seem to have a great grasp of that already, but it never hurts to get reminded.


Thats about it. As far as fluidity, word choice, and character introduction, I think you're doing great. Can't really offer much more advice then the basic reminders I've offered already. I am really lovin' this story.

Waiting for more,

-S.B.

Sweat ran down his porcine skin. His breath heavy on his cloak as it wrapped around his face. He could taste the dirt and ash that was caught in it. Muscles burned as he pushed his body to the limit. None of this mattered. All that mattered was that he stay ahead of his pursuer.

The ground made a distinct crack as the beast pressed it's hooves into the earth. Buildings broke against its tusk, shattering like glass. It presses harder chasing it's prey, smelling its fear.

"Nilu, whats your situation?" relayed Heipus

He had seen his emergency beacon light up his jetbikes HUD. One thing that made Heipus such a great commander was how he commanded his troops. He would scour maps and readouts knowing where all of his men were and their position. These details had won him many battles that lesser men would have lost.

"Heading south.....through the village.....being followed...." he relayed back trying to breath through the thick air.

Heipus checked the readout again. Seeing the red pulsing dot dance across his screen, headed towards his position.

"Avengers prepare to fire to the East! Incoming heavy enemy presence!"

The men followed orders without hesitation. This is what they were trained for, this is what they lived for, and this is what they would die for. They braced their guns against charred black boulders and long dead trees that were stripped of any sign of life years ago. They waited. The hot wind blew across their plumes, loosening the dirt and debris out of it. Their breathing could be heard through their reinforced helmets. For once the battlefield was almost silent.

A shadow blurred past them, few even noticed it. Nilu's camoline cloak hiding him among the terrain. Then like thunder the rock wall in front of the gun line exploded! Showing them with boulders and stones. One man was crushed under an unusually large rock, crushing his skull. Blood oozing out from the cracked helmet.

"Avengers! Open Fire! Show our enemy his hell and send him to it!" Heipus yelled to his men.

The gun line unleashed with all they had, never releasing the triggers of their weapons. Shurikens fly through the air like hornets towards the beast. Some glance off the carapace of the creature, while others tore flesh from bone. Mid charge the beast is hit critically. Its hoof catches on a stone, and it falls forward. It's mass sliding through the ash waist land, forming a large black dust cloud. Finally coming to rest a few feet in front of the gun line.

Heipus dismounted his jet bike. Everyone watches him as he draws his power spear. Its blade glows in an odd green light. A quiet hum can be heard coming from the blade. White energy darts up and down the end of the spear, playing an eternal game of cat and mouse with the edges of the weapon. He approaches the beast, its giant talons occasionally digging into the earth. Heipus braces his foot on its neck, and positions his spear above his eye.

"Die foul beast." he commands it.

He thrust his blade deep into its skull. Its eye exploding showering his armor in a cocktail of juices and gore. He turns his face away and gives the spear a twist. With that the creature passes, its talons falling flat to the ground.

what craft world is it and death to the bio-titan hehe

Steam hissed from their weapon tips. They had sucessfully fended off another wave of the hive worlds minions. Nothing had even gotten close to them. The Exarch lowered his gun tip letting his servo harness take the weight of the weapon. He didn't have to say anything to his men, they knew he was proud of their performance.

Klaxons went off in his helmet accompanied with red flashing proximity alarms. Something was near by lurking in the shadows of the rocks. A blur to his left sprung from the shadows sheering one of his squad members weapons in half and spearing him into a rock. Just as it struck the creature disappeared into the rain soaked shadows of the terrain.

"Squad, defensive perimeter!" the Exarch ordered over his com-unit.

The dark reapers moved with a precision few dream to achieve. The remaining 3 moving into a star pattern all with their guns facing outward. Each one viewing the landscape through the light enhancing optics of their helmets. Searching for any sign of movement. A scream is heard over the channel as one of the members unleashes the fury of his weapon. Loud thuds echoing against the rock formations that dotted the landscape. Then he went silent. All before the rest of the squad could turn their weapons in his direction.

Then he saw it, lurking behind a stone the size of five men. The Exarch took aim, letting the thermal scope on his weapon zoom in on the outline of the creature. He fired two shots. Time seemed to slow down as the projectiles screamed across the terrain like miniature rockets honing in on their target. They hit the stone, carving their way through to the target. Both hit home in the lurking figures torso. Loud screeches could be heard as it broke cover. Like a cat, it sprung across the battle field.

"OPEN FIRE!"

The remaining men turned as fast as their servo mounts would heft their guns. But it was to late. The creature skewered both of them on its long talons, and swung its hind legs forward, pinning the exarch in the mud. He could taste blood in his mouth. It had made one mistake, it hadn't killed him.

The creature lurched forward with his tentacle like mouth towards the Exarch's head. With his last breath he let out the battle cry of Alitoc, and shoved his weapon tip in the creatures mouth. He pulled the trigger, gore flew through the air as its head exploded. Its body fell on him, crushing him under its weight. Leaving only the quiet sound of the rain.

nice